from the desk of tara hope…

She was buried in a spot that means a lot to Matt and I, and we can visit her often. A few days later we had a memorial service for our sweet Minnie Cate. It was small and perfect. Our friends and family surrounded us. Evie threw flowers in the pond and sent pink balloons to Heaven (and I still feel guilty about the birds, but how else do you let a 4 year old give her sister in Heaven a gift?). It was one of those perfect spring days in NC, with a beautiful, bright blue sky and we watched the pink balloons drift away for what seemed like forever. Then we went back to my parent’s house for a big spread, as you do in the South when someone is hurting. We sat around the table and laughed and cried and I felt so grateful, even on such a terrible day.

It’s hard to explain but those two days were so peaceful and you might even call them joyful. Our hearts were broken, but every detail worked out so perfectly, we felt so loved and cared for, and you could feel the Father taking care of us in the midst of this tragedy. I can point to so many signs that God’s hand was moving: 

I’m thankful that Matt was able to get the first flight out of California, and make it back in record time. I’m thankful that my ultrasound appt. was on Tuesday. My parents and Nicole were both supposed to leave town that coming weekend. A few days later and I wouldn’t have had my support system there. I’m thankful that we didn’t know there was anything wrong until we got home from Europe. I felt great the whole trip. If there had been a problem, navigating a foreign hospital, or having an emergency on a cruise ship would have been less than ideal. I am so thankful we were home, with our loved ones. I’m thankful for the shift change that gave us our nurse, Abby. She was seriously a God-send. I would not be surprised if she was secretly an angel. I don’t know if they assign her to every case where there is a tragedy involved, but they should. She has a gift for dealing with grieving parents. I’m thankful for friends who rallied behind us and they weren’t scared to go to the hard places with us. They held my daughter and cooed over her and talked about how pretty she was, and made me feel like a proud mom, even when she was already in Heaven.I’m thankful for the network of friends praying for us as we spent time in the hospital. We felt the prayers and felt lifted up and strengthened by them when we had no strength of our own. I’m thankful my first midwife of the day was Emily, and we already had a history with her. She has a calm and peaceful demeanor that helped me remain calm when we were discussing all the options in the beginning. She listened to my concerns and advocated for me at the hospital. I’m thankful that I didn’t have to have any type of procedure, and that I never had to get an epidural. (Do you see why I do natural birth. For many reasons, but I sure hate needles, ha.) I’m thankful that everyone made sure we got sweet pictures with Minnie Cate that we can treasure.  

There are so many little details that I can’t even remember now, but they made the day so much better than it could have been. A day that could have been cold, clinical and solemn instead felt warm, safe and sacred.  God is good, even when your world is turning upside down and everything feels wrong. He is still good. My heart is still broken that Minnie Cate isn’t here with us, and I miss her every day. But I think about the fact that she is in Heaven with so many of her Great-Grandparents, and our first baby that we lost. I think about her playing with my friends Elizabeth and Jessica from high school, and so many other people that we love. I hope my Great-Grandmother Ollie is holding her and singing her lullabies. It comforts me to know she will never feel sorrow or pain, and that she is dancing with the angels at the throne of the King. What more could a parent want for their baby girl, when it’s all said and done.