from the desk of tara hope…

Mom and I went back to my house. Caitlyn picked up Evie from school and brought her home. We just sat and cried and prayed and called people to tell them what was going on, and cried some more. Mom took Evie back to her house and I stayed home to nap and rest.

Nicole came and picked me up and then we went to pick up Mom. We headed to Chapel Hill and met Michelle there and checked into the Labor and Delivery Wing. The man at the desk asked why I was there and I told him to be induced. He looked at my small stomach and started asking questions, but thankfully the nurses at the desk knew I was coming and told me I was going into room 5. Just then my midwife, Emily, got there and gave me such a big hug and I immediately felt more relaxed. I normally choose to birth my babies at the Birth Center. I don’t like hospitals, they make me extremely nervous and I don’t like needles, so would never willingly choose an epidural. So altogether, being at the hospital to deliver a stillborn baby was pretty much my worst nightmare in every way. Having my midwife there, the same one who had given Evie her newborn exam 4 years ago, made me feel so much better. 

We got settled in our room, and went through the process verbally with Emily while we waited for Matt to arrive. She wanted me to get an epidural, but I just didn’t want one. I give birth to my babies without drugs. I hate needles. I just.didn’t.want.one. Thankfully, Emily understood and told me she would give me some anti-anxiety medicine in my IV instead. Matt arrived, to the relief of everyone in the room, and we started the process of the IVs, genetic testing, etc. I was calm and relaxed, and feeling fine for most of the night, probably thanks to the anti-anxiety meds they gave me. I was NOT thrilled with the genetic testing which involved a long needle in my stomach…twice. Also, there was a shift change so Emily was headed home and a new Midwife I hadn’t met yet named Belinda came in. We also got a new nurse, Abby, who was such a joy. I loved her so much. 

At some point they started the induction. I didn’t get pitocin, it was something else. For a while, nothing happened. I felt fine, we watched Trading Spaces on TLC, Meesh gave me foot rubs, we ordered food, etc. Then I started to feel something and labor came on quickly. I gave birth to Evie in a fairly short amount of time for a first-time Mom, and this seemed to be no different. Once active labor started, everything happened really fast. Mom and Meesh left the room, Nicole got there just in time to give me a quick hug and then they all went to the waiting room to wait. I have very strong contractions as a rule, so it didn’t take long till Minnie Cate was in our arms. Matt and Abby, took care of her and cleaned her up while Belinda and I concentrated on me getting the placenta out. There had been concern that since I wasn’t quite 6 months along, that my body wouldn’t know to deliver the placenta after the baby. In that case I would have needed to go into surgery to remove anything left behind. And I would have to get that darn epidural. This idea really freaked me out and I had everyone praying that it wouldn’t happen. Thankfully, a few good pushes, and me yelling at the top of my lungs “This placenta will come out in the name of Jesus!”, and it was over. Everything that was supposed to happen had happened. Except, there was no baby crying. 

Matt and Abby had cleaned Minnie Cate up by this point and had wrapped her up for me to hold her. When she came out she had her cord wrapped around her neck multiple times, with multiple knots. I didn’t see her like this, but Matt said you could tell right away that this is what had gone wrong. {We wouldn’t get the results back for a while, but the genetic tests all came back negative, which Emily told us is a good thing. Genetics mean something could go wrong again with another baby. A freak cord accident happening twice is extremely rare, like being struck by lightning. I guess that should make me feel better, but being struck by lightning still hurts.}

We held her for a bit and then my Mom, Nicole and Meesh came back in. Stephanie and Stacie got there a few minutes later, and we spent the next couple of hours getting to know Minnie Cate. She was tiny and perfect. She had 10 little fingers, 10 little toes, and her sister’s eyebrows. I was so glad to have my Mom there, of course. She was a rock for us and helped us with so many little details and decisions we couldn’t think about at the time. She made sure I was fed, and that we got some sleep and that Evie was taken care of by my Dad. I was also so glad to have my best friends there. These girls have been part of my life for 20+ years (30+ for the Snipes girls) and they were in the room when Evie was born. I was always so glad Evie’s birth felt like a celebration, and it felt so fitting for them to be in the room to celebrate Minnie Cate, too. It means the world to me that I have friends out there who met her, loved her, and have memories of her. 

The hospital gave us a box with gifts made by volunteers. A tiny dress made from a wedding dress, a tiny pink knit hat that was still too big. A heart necklace for me to have one half and Minnie to have the other. So many beautiful gifts to help us memorialize our sweet baby. At this point it was Wed around 7pm and the hospital photographers had gone home for the day, so Abby took a few photos for us, but Meesh called every photographer she knew and AJ Dunlap sent Jenna Markiewicz, to take photos for us. Jenna is a dear family friend so it worked out perfectly to have someone I have known since she was a baby come take photos for us. Our amazing nurse Abby helped us dress Minnie Cate in the tiny white dress, and I took a shower, and my friends got to work helping me feel presentable. Meesh did my makeup and Stacie did my hair and Abby and Belinda said they wished they had a team to do this for every Mom who has ever had to have these pictures taken. I felt silly letting them fuss over me when I was so heartbroken inside, but when you look your best you feel better. And when I look back on the beautiful photos Jenna took for us that day, I am so glad that they did that for me. The pictures are heartbreaking, but I will treasure them forever. My one regret is that Evie wasn’t there to meet her sister. I know at 4 years old she wouldn’t have understood, but she’s always been smart and sensitive, and sometimes I wish she would have been able to come meet her. But I know they will meet one day in Heaven, and I hold on to that image in my heart. 

After we got photos and everyone held Minnie, Matt and I took some time alone with her. We held her and talked to her and prayed, and Matt held me while I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe. It had been a day full of love and joy, even under the circumstances, but the time had come to give her back and it all came crashing down on me. Belinda, our sweet Midwife, lovingly wrapped her up with the lovey that Evie had picked out for her when she found out she was a girl. Because of sort of a loophole in the system, Minnie was old enough that she wasn’t considered just “medical tissue”, but she was too young for a death certificate. So we were able to take her with us, to be buried. I left the hospital in a wheelchair, holding my baby in a box on my lap. That may have been the worst feeling of the whole day. It’s that part that makes me cry the hardest when I think about it.